Tomorrow my sweet little 4 year old turns 5. He is my third child and is an ever reminder of how much I miss them being babies. He is such a sweet boy who still wakes up in the morning dragging his beloved Baba behind him like a version of Linus and his blanket. He still loves to cuddle with me and suck his thumb while leaning against my side. There are so many sweet and innocent things about him that I want to keep forever. I want to keep him a baby still, yet I know he wants to be more like his older brothers. He is ready for school and to have friends outside of the neighborhood like his older brothers. He often will come up to me and ask if it is time for him to go to school like his brothers, but he always makes sure to say “You will pick me up, right Mommy?”. I see him growing and I want to stop it, I want to keep them babies forever. It is the selfish part of me I know, but I also want them to grow into the men they are destined to be.
I spend a lot of time worrying that I am not making the right choices with them. We are too strict on them and expect too much. We don’t praise them enough or build their confidence up enough. I know we do our best, but I can’t help but wonder if it is enough. I know I miss them as babies, so much I can feel the ache in the pit of my stomach. My husband says I have blocked out all the stuff we went through with them as babies and the years of me being a milk cow attached to them or a pump so I could keep working full time. He is probably right, I have forgotten the negative because they were such wonderful babies and I miss that…a lot.
So tomorrow we will throw another big weekend long celebration for my boy who is turning five, complete with the theme of his choosing…dinosaurs. There will be a huge dinosaur bounce house up all weekend, a donut cake with donuts fresh from Krispy Kreme (a rare treat for the boys since they are rarely allowed sweets), family and friends galore to help him celebrate, presents, dinosaur crafts, 4′ blow up T-Rex and multiple smaller blow up dinosaurs to chase the big T-Rex around, his favorite foods (BBQ chicken with homemade BBQ sauce, green beans and carrots and sliced strawberries), phone calls from family that live far away and love lots and lots of love. We love to celebrate in this house and this weekend will be no exception…no matter how bittersweet it is to me.