When I started this blog the intent was to record the daily doings of my boys for future posterity.for those times when the boys say “mom you never took us anywhere” or “I never did that” types of conversations. I seem to have really strayed from this in the last year. From writing about what rattles around in my head to not writing at all this blog has certainly changed. It isn’t what I wanted though,and I do need it to be more about the boys then me. I will not remember the majority of what life was like with them, I can barely remember what I am currently wearing. Trust me that is SO not important. I do worry that the boys will have questions about growing up that I will not be able to answer. I panic that I won’t be here when they want to ask the questions to which I will not be able to answer. M is not here with them all day long like I am, he is clueless as to what I have been doing with them. GAH! I simply must stop giving into the voices in my head. It is unhealthy. The boys will look back and read this and think “my mom is bat shit crazy!”. There could be a small grain of truth in that, but not completely.
So from this point on I will be focusing more on the boys and what we are doing daily. Maybe more people will read it? Who knows….
Sometimes when I set a goal for myself I lose track of why I put that goal there. The only thing I can focus on is getting to that goal and I will move heaven and earth to get there. What I may not realize is that along the way these steps being taken to get to said goal have changed me in small ways. These changes may at times not make the goal necessary anymore, all I really needed to do was make some small changes. I didn’t see this though and was focused on the end result. Somewhere along the way I lose sight of who I am, what I want from life and the joy in my life.
I will readily admit that i am largely materialistic, at times narcissistic and often condescending. Are these traits I am proud of? Nope, not at all. They are parts of myself that I recognize and look to change. Will I ever be rid of them completely? I like to hope so, but I also know that these are a part of who I am.
I know, I know, exactly where am I going with this? Nowhere really, it is these small realizations in the middle of life that keep me focused on my goal: to be a better mother, a better motivator for the boys and a better person all around. There will always be something in myself that I can change, but I hope that I can celebrate the small changes I make along the way also.
Tomorrow my sweet little 4 year old turns 5. He is my third child and is an ever reminder of how much I miss them being babies. He is such a sweet boy who still wakes up in the morning dragging his beloved Baba behind him like a version of Linus and his blanket. He still loves to cuddle with me and suck his thumb while leaning against my side. There are so many sweet and innocent things about him that I want to keep forever. I want to keep him a baby still, yet I know he wants to be more like his older brothers. He is ready for school and to have friends outside of the neighborhood like his older brothers. He often will come up to me and ask if it is time for him to go to school like his brothers, but he always makes sure to say “You will pick me up, right Mommy?”. I see him growing and I want to stop it, I want to keep them babies forever. It is the selfish part of me I know, but I also want them to grow into the men they are destined to be.
I spend a lot of time worrying that I am not making the right choices with them. We are too strict on them and expect too much. We don’t praise them enough or build their confidence up enough. I know we do our best, but I can’t help but wonder if it is enough. I know I miss them as babies, so much I can feel the ache in the pit of my stomach. My husband says I have blocked out all the stuff we went through with them as babies and the years of me being a milk cow attached to them or a pump so I could keep working full time. He is probably right, I have forgotten the negative because they were such wonderful babies and I miss that…a lot.
So tomorrow we will throw another big weekend long celebration for my boy who is turning five, complete with the theme of his choosing…dinosaurs. There will be a huge dinosaur bounce house up all weekend, a donut cake with donuts fresh from Krispy Kreme (a rare treat for the boys since they are rarely allowed sweets), family and friends galore to help him celebrate, presents, dinosaur crafts, 4′ blow up T-Rex and multiple smaller blow up dinosaurs to chase the big T-Rex around, his favorite foods (BBQ chicken with homemade BBQ sauce, green beans and carrots and sliced strawberries), phone calls from family that live far away and love lots and lots of love. We love to celebrate in this house and this weekend will be no exception…no matter how bittersweet it is to me.
Yesterday I read of Dick Clark passing. My husband pointed out that he was 82 and had been having a rough couple years. He felt it was time for him to go. Maybe he is right, but on the other hand I feel like this was just the passing of another iconic entertainer who spanned multiple generations. I know the whole circle of life and the yes everyone does die, I didn’t just fall off the oblivious truck. It feels like we are losing an entire era where turning on the tv I didn’t have to. Heck the room to see if kids were in there. Television is truly horrible nowadays. It is full of violence, horrible language, crazy advertising and a multitude of things children should not be watching. I am not claiming that kids haven’t been watching violence on tv for years, but the level has escalated in recent years. What has become acceptable for kids to watch has really changed and this is most noticeable in video games.
As a parent of 4 boys I do not let them play a lot of games. We heavily control the games they do play making sure that they are not too violent or full of language they shouldn’t be hearing much less repeating. I am confused as to why all parents do not do the same?
My boys are growing up in a home where imagination is prized above time before the boob tube. I am sad that they will not get enjoy some of what I did with my family. The excitement of American Bandstand or Saturday morning cartoons like Scooby Doo or the Flintstones. Sure my boys have the benefit of DVD’s to watch them on, but there was nothing like waking up to a new cartoon on Saturday morning, now they will soon be repeats as the boys make it through all of them. It is sad to me to think how violent a society we are becoming and how passive kids are to this violence. I for one will be raising my boys to know who Dick Clark and others like him are so they can appreciate the talent they had.