Yup that’s it, today is M and I’s 7th anniversary and if you asked me before this year i would of said that I saw us being together for a long time. However, this year, i can’t see what the future holds. It is true I am unwilling to say a lot about things on the internet, you know real people and all, but let’s just say we are struggling to keep it together. The schedule we have and the kids (love them dearly, but they are a big source of stress) and just M’s complete disregard for my existence have put a black pall over the relationship and its future.
I struggle daily with whether i want to remain married to someone who has such a complete lack of emotion towards me and who is so self centered that we only talk about things he wants to talk about. There is also the trust issue and right now, there is none on my part. How do you continue to be married to someone who would break a fundamental bond for a solid relationship? I don’t know that you can.
I say that it is for the boys that i continue to remain in a relationship that i would of long ago abandoned. It is true, i don’t want my boys growing up in a “broken” home even though i know that is not the correct term. I have spent a lot of time reflecting and working on myself here lately. I have turned into such a negative person and a lot of it is a result of being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t care that i am here. I am not blameless in this, i thought so at first, but i am not. So much about who i used to be has changed, it has had to in terms of having kids and becoming a mother. I have had to step it up, responsibility wise and become an adult, who would of thought that day would come? I am not the person that he married, but neither is he, far from it. While i am not blameless, i can say that i have never broken a vow to M and he can’t say the same, whether i drove him to it or not. I would of preferred that he left us. At least then i wouldn’t of had/have to deal with everything all at once soon after coming home with #4. I feel like he wasn’t very fair and right now i don’t like him much at all. He really isn’t that person i married, the one that i thought would NEVER do this to someone. Just goes to show that I really can’t trust myself in finding someone to be with.
It could be that he is going through a mid-life crisis, but you know what? I don’t care because the hurt he has caused me can’t be reversed and i am not sure it can be overcome. He continues to act like a bachelor and treat me as if i don’t matter and we aren’t in a relationship. These things don’t endear me to him. The boys need their father and they love him. He loves his kids, but he continues to say that he never wanted this many (he was certainly there for the conception) and it is all getting to him. He continues to refuse to listen to me on any level and constantly throws in my face that everything is a double standard and the outcome is to my advantage and flat out refuses to listen to me at all. It isn’t and he is a real prick lately conversationally. You can only have your heart truly broken once and after that it is never the same.
I can’t seem to beat any of this into M’s head and i feel like i am hanging on by a single strand and barely at that. I wait for the slightest indication that i might matter to him anymore and that anything that i want is important, but i am just kidding myself. Of course, right now i am riding the hormone train too and sometimes i see things that aren’t there. I am not mistaken in the way he treats me though, others see it. I AM NOT YOUR DAMN ROOMMATE M, NOR AM I A CONVENIENT LAY. Don’t think i won’t out your “thing” on this very public forum and to your family.
I am not that type of person though. After all the pain he has caused me, i would never want to alienate him from his friends, but i know that if “we” don’t work out then it will come out. I refuse to have people think that we are separated because we don’t get along, that just isn’t the only reason. He will blame me and everyone else will because i am difficult, you just don’t know. Maybe this is why i am destined to be alone. I don’t know, i am full of “I don’t know’s” lately. I am just so sad that we are going through this and I feel like i am the only hurting and that he is glossing over this. He was so defensive of the issue and so angry with me that it made me feel so very small and insignificant.
I hesitate to post this because i do know so many people in real life that read this, but i also know that i am not the only person to go through this. And maybe just maybe someone will have some insight as to where my life took a wrong turn.
Not at all what you expected out of an anniversary post, huh? Life over here is real people, and right now real plain sucks.