Many of these things i am not proud of, but i have nonetheless decided to share them for the world to see.
* Put my car keys in the freezer and locked myself out of the house.
* Put my kids dirty clothes in the trash and the garbage in the washing machine. Laughed about it with my dad. Then ran the wash with the trash in it 4 hours later because i thought i had moved the clothes and trash around.
* Made a dinner that i was convinced looked yummy, tasted it, hated it, threw it out and when M came home told him to eat out of the trash.
* Put diapers on backwards
* Poured milk into M’s cup of soda and handed it to him. Oblivious to the fact that he had a look of horror on his face.
* Turned the A/C on in the winter because i was having a major rush of hormones and thought i would spontaneously combust
* Forgotten where i parked the car (this happens SO very often), called someone to come get me, only to find that i came to the store with M and he had no clue where i had gone. (no it is not strange that i would call someone other than my husband to get me as he works during the day and when his days off change every two months i cannot keep up)
* Gone to work in my pajamas (many, many times)
* Worn two different shoes because i haven’t seen my feet in five years ( I am assured that they are still there)
* Driven to my parents house, knocked on the door and went in chattering about something, only to find weird new family that we sold the house to years ago looking at me like they were going to call someone to get me.
* Cried at the site of a line in the grocery store (not my fault, i was tired and the baby was hungry)
* Become a human sprinkler when my boys decided that they could hold out longer than three hours before eating again.
* Grossed M out with various milk shots, sad to say that after feeding three boys for a year each i am really good at hitting things.
* Slept through M’s family christmas
* Worn maternity clothes for five straight years.
* Planted what i thought were bulbs in the garden and come to find out they were the pieces to my son’s toy set.
* Fallen asleep on the toilet (not while doing anything!)
* Fallen asleep standing up.
* Been unable to remember my own name or my husband’s name for that matter.
* Not had a period for five and a half years. (Ok i am kinda happy about that one)
* Gone to the grocery store four times in one day and still not remembered to buy milk. For the love of god it is a staple!
* Put the indoor cat outside. Her look of terror and M’s look of confusion reminded me in time to save her from the cat eating birds that live in the yard
* Made no less than 1,205,550 trips to the bathroom to pee
* Can no longer go into a doctors office without having to pee in a cup, doesn’t matter if it is my general doctor or the pediatrician.
* Wiped countless noses
* Been infected with viruses that there are no names or cures for all because my children are carriers
* Drank milk from a baby bottle because it was the only clean dish in the house
* Covered my living room floor and sofas with blankets and towels because my kids were apparently allergic to the site of a white carpet and would vomit on it at any given moment (ok they have reflux, but i like this theory better)
* Spent more money in visits to the pediatrician than we did on our whole 500 guest wedding
* Eaten an entire pie and then dinner because after all i am eating for two!
* Been repulsed at the smell of peanut butter the only thing J will eat for lunch and dry heave my way through every lunch now.
* Refused to take anymore baths because FAT FLOATS!
* Written street names on the stretch marks on my stomach because i knew i wouldn’t lose that!
* Been unable to go to the bathroom alone for five years, but still cannot pee if my husband is ANYWHERE around.
* Watched my boobs grow and shrink to the point that i cannot find a bra to fit me right. I would be better off glueing cabbage leaves to my chest. They cradle and lift!
* Loved every minute that my boys have been in my life. I couldn’t imagine my life (or body) without them.
Ok i have shared mine with you, now it is your turn to share. What are some of the funny/off the wall things that you have done while pregnant or nursing?