I spend a crazy amount of time wondering how i can do more for and with my boys. I feel like i have to try and cram all sorts of quality time in with them now before they decide that dear old mom is a liability and they are ready to move on. I know that logically they will always need me in some way, even if just to know that i am there for them. Yet i often feel like i don’t do as much as i can for them. Am I teaching them everything i should be? Am i doing enough with them? Am i making the most of my time with them? The answer would be a resounding NO! I try and while that might sound like a look for reassurance, it is not. I am tired, bone tired all the time and i don’t do everything with them i should. Half the time i don’t do anything educational with them in a day. For this i feel guilty, crazy hate myself guilt. There is no reasoning with me, i am a slacker. I signed up for this motherhood thing and i am not doing it 100%.
I guess most of this is coming about because i daily feel that my oldest son’s speech issues are my fault. I have never tried to pretend that he didn’t have a problem, but in looking how i do things with the other two that i never did with him. Maybe it is my fault. I didn’t sing to him (granted i don’t sing to the others, people a hundred long tailed cats in a room full of rocking chairs would sound better than me butchering a nursery rhyme), i didn’t read to him in womb or even when he was a newborn. I was honestly amazed when he was born that i was a mother. Here he was, my first child and i somehow HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH HIM! Where’s the manual…doc check in there, did you perhaps leave it in the womb? I was clueless and i was scared i would break him. I guess though i did fail him and i feel like every day i continue to do so. We all have these days as mothers. I feel so much guilt for him being behind other kids his age because he doesn’t talk a lot and doesn’t understand how to have a conversation with others. I have gotten him therapy and worked with him, but not enough. There is also such a great need in our area for speech pathologists that i haven’t been able to get him therapy in over a year. I can’t even begin to tell you how frustrating this is. I am constantly calling people and keeping his name in their heads because obviously i am not helping him much. He talks, he talks in sentences, but he has no clue how to just have a conversation or so many other linguistic things. The therapists that i would have to pay tell me to contact the school system, the school system for this area has 2 therapists for the whole county and one of them J has seen and they didn’t click and she referred us to the other one. He will receive therapy in Kindergarten, yes, but i want him to have all the advantages and he needs help now. He has needed help since the surgery to correct the hearing problem. I just am so frustrated with my inability to get him the help he needs.
I am not saying that this will make him normal, it won’t. He is alot like me, my oldest. He is shy and strong willed and not as into sports as his father wants him to be. He is sensitive and bright and i want him to have the same opportunity to learn as everyone else. Now why can’t i find someone to help me give him the tools he needs. Why am i failing at this motherhood thing?