Reflection

In the last few days i have had time to think about different aspects of my life. For the most part i love my life. I have 3 great boys and a wonderful husband, who despite the MAJOR hormones associated with nursing each child for a year and then getting pregnant almost immediately after being done with that, is not looking to divorce me. I have a great family and my husband’s family is full of people that i couldn’t be happier to know and call family. I have a very supportive and enduring group of friends, many of whom i have known since i moved to NC in 1982! Now anyone who could still like me after all the hairstyles (there is a permanent silhouette of me on the downstairs bathroom wall in our cary house) , makeup blunders, fashion faux pas and just general disappearing for one reason or another (mostly due to the barn…sorry school friends) I can’t tell you how lucky i am that they have all stuck in there with me. I am lucky enough to have a full time job that pays well and allows me to pursue a business of my own on the side. I live in a great community where i like everyone around us and my kids have tons of other kids to play with. I am healthy (a little more padding than i would like) and my family is healthy.

So what am i whining about?

Nothing really. Well nothing that matters to anyone else, but at the time, to me it was important. I am over it and ready to move on.

I have a plan to work on accomplishing those goals that i have long since avoided working towards. I will make it a point to accomplish something, even if it is small every day. While the things that i accomplish may not make a huge step towards anything, i think it is very rewarding to know that every day something was done. I think keeping a journal of this will help me see that i am doing something every day and will help me in those times that i feel that i am just not getting anywhere.

I am creating another journal (yes another one outside of the craft one and this mommy one) just for the sake of listing what i have achieved or plan to achieve each day. I will work to set and keep personal monthly and maybe yearly goals to work towards. It should be fun since i love to list things.

On the mommy front, i have decided not to join one of the mommy groups in our area. The only reason i am turning this particular one down is that i am not keen on paying a membership fee for a group to set up play dates and outings. I have several mothers i hang out with and it all rather felt like i was paying to be a part of a certain clique.  There are several other mommy groups in the area and since my boys are very engaging overbearing we often meet people at the park. M doesn’t see the point to some of this, but i suffered for a long time from extreme shyness through most of my school years and found it very difficult to make friends outside of the groups I felt comfortable with. I was very intimidated by most of the kids in school and a lot of this has to do with my dad not being very social. If it wasn’t for band and horses, i probably would of been a very lonely child. I see these traits in my boys and while M, is very outgoing, I am the one spending the majority of the day with them. J is beginning to be a little more outgoing, but he is inhibited by his speech issues. I don’t want to add my problems on top of it.

For years i blamed myself for J not being more outgoing and until we found out that he in fact could not hear for the first few years of his life, I was crippled with guilt. I didn’t take him out enough, i didn’t sing to him (really though it sounds like dying animals when i sing, who is benefiting from this?)  or read to him enough. Being the first child, I feel like there was so much i didn’t know and should of done. The differences between J and the other two are night and day in some cases. The other two are way more outgoing and engaging, but I know i cannot place all of the blame on myself. As a mother though, I think you do that. I mean it is my responsibility to guide him in life and teach him things. So i have been working actively on these areas in my life that he seems to pick up on. I have noticed that while D and Ian are momma’s boys, J mimics a lot of my little quirks. He is bossy (who me?), i chew on one of my fingers when stressed as does he, I hang back when confronted with a group of preschool mommies (they are VERY intimidating, it seems like everyone was invited to a preschool mixer before school started but me) he does the same with his peers in class, i love to read as does he. If i am particularly stressed out he is the one that it affects the most.

I want to give my children the best i can and to do so I will have to overcome some of my own personal battles. It will be good for me…at least that is what i tell myself. 624190191605_0_alb.jpg

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