I spend a crazy amount of time wondering how i can do more for and with my boys. I feel like i have to try and cram all sorts of quality time in with them now before they decide that dear old mom is a liability and they are ready to move on. I know that logically they will always need me in some way, even if just to know that i am there for them. Yet i often feel like i don’t do as much as i can for them. Am I teaching them everything i should be? Am i doing enough with them? Am i making the most of my time with them? The answer would be a resounding NO! I try and while that might sound like a look for reassurance, it is not. I am tired, bone tired all the time and i don’t do everything with them i should. Half the time i don’t do anything educational with them in a day. For this i feel guilty, crazy hate myself guilt. There is no reasoning with me, i am a slacker. I signed up for this motherhood thing and i am not doing it 100%.
I guess most of this is coming about because i daily feel that my oldest son’s speech issues are my fault. I have never tried to pretend that he didn’t have a problem, but in looking how i do things with the other two that i never did with him. Maybe it is my fault. I didn’t sing to him (granted i don’t sing to the others, people a hundred long tailed cats in a room full of rocking chairs would sound better than me butchering a nursery rhyme), i didn’t read to him in womb or even when he was a newborn. I was honestly amazed when he was born that i was a mother. Here he was, my first child and i somehow HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH HIM! Where’s the manual…doc check in there, did you perhaps leave it in the womb? I was clueless and i was scared i would break him. I guess though i did fail him and i feel like every day i continue to do so. We all have these days as mothers. I feel so much guilt for him being behind other kids his age because he doesn’t talk a lot and doesn’t understand how to have a conversation with others. I have gotten him therapy and worked with him, but not enough. There is also such a great need in our area for speech pathologists that i haven’t been able to get him therapy in over a year. I can’t even begin to tell you how frustrating this is. I am constantly calling people and keeping his name in their heads because obviously i am not helping him much. He talks, he talks in sentences, but he has no clue how to just have a conversation or so many other linguistic things. The therapists that i would have to pay tell me to contact the school system, the school system for this area has 2 therapists for the whole county and one of them J has seen and they didn’t click and she referred us to the other one. He will receive therapy in Kindergarten, yes, but i want him to have all the advantages and he needs help now. He has needed help since the surgery to correct the hearing problem. I just am so frustrated with my inability to get him the help he needs.
I am not saying that this will make him normal, it won’t. He is alot like me, my oldest. He is shy and strong willed and not as into sports as his father wants him to be. He is sensitive and bright and i want him to have the same opportunity to learn as everyone else. Now why can’t i find someone to help me give him the tools he needs. Why am i failing at this motherhood thing?
The boys were just not themselves today. Something is going on with all of them. J has been complaining of a headache for the last few days and when M was getting some wax out of his ear tonight he noticed that you could see one of the tubes that had been put into his ears. My reaction was to pull it out, this one is not stitched into his head and it is common for the tubes to fill up with wax and the eardrum to eventually push the tube out after 9 to 18 months. He has had them for i guess 2 years. I am concerned though. We went through so much with him constantly getting ear infections and the mesh tubes that are permanent should decrease this problem from persisting, but i am worried that removing the tubes will cause him to get infections again. Or is this something that they are more prone to when younger? He will be 5 in June. I don’t know and then the other concern is that he is still WAY behind, speech wise and i don’t want this to affect his speech anymore. I feel like we are already running an uphill battle with this and i am not getting any help from the therapists in the area. I will be taking him to his normal pediatrician tomorrow as the ENT is only in our area 2 days a week and i can’t see paying extra for the appointment as well as extra in gas just to have them pull the tube out. His ped. will be able to pull the tube and is so familiar with us and his background that i feel i can get some good answers to my concerns on this. I think the other tube is still in there and if it doesn’t come out on its own we will have to get it surgically removed as tubes generally are only in for 3 years max. If we do decide to get another set put in, we will have the one on the other side replaced or cleaned out. It is funny though to talk to him today because he is yelling like he can’t hear well. I am thinking it is because the tube is full of was and in the way. Freaked M out though!
D is going through some sort of weird spell too. I don’t know what is going on with him. He will be really tired and then only nap for half of the normal time. I don’t know if he isn’t getting enough sleep at night or if he is just in that in-between phase of a growth spurt. He is just not as happy all the time as he used to be, but it seems to be tied in with being tired alot. I know that he is still having breathing issues and we will have to go back and see the ENT soon since he has had his tubes for almost 2 years as well. I am reluctant to get his removed right now since he will still be prone to sinus infections and ear infections until his sinus cavities are more formed around age of 5.
Ian is just not feeling well. I am 100% certain that this is due to his ears. We just finished his third round of antibiotics and he is now completely miserable. Crying all the time, up at night and i am sure the antibiotics are wreaking havoc with his intestines. *sigh* We have to hold off until he is a year for the tubes, so that means tomorrow i will take him in to the doctor AGAIN for another round of antibiotics. I am thinking this time we will have to do the shots. We have been hitting him hard with the strong oral stuff and it is not only not helping, but they seem to be worse at the end of each treatment. I don’t like continued antibiotic treatment, especially if it is doing no good. I am really getting tired of being at the doctor so much. I hate exposing them to other sick kids. I know he isn’t feeling well and it is hard on all of us. I am getting less sleep, M is getting less sleep and is frustrated because Ian cries all afternoon when i am not there and then he isn’t getting a good night’s sleep either.
My family is such a group of crazy people! I think that it is the goal of my boys to view their surroundings and woe to mommy if it is neat and clean. Then the devil in them kicks into high gear and all order must be UNDONE! I spent the last three days going through the house and cleaning and straightening it up from top to bottom and within 30 minutes the house was destroyed. I could of cried. I know though it is my own OCD-ness causing these feelings and that my three boys…young boys should not be expected to not mess up the house. That’s what they do, i know this logically. I have no idea why i get so bent out of shape about it. I hate that i get so upset about it.
My dad came over today and picked up the crib that we are putting in his yard sale next Saturday. Dad however didn’t know that he had red mud on his shoes and we have cream carpets. So when i got home after grocery shopping in the rain (HELLO making up for the drought all in one week are we, Mother Nature?) the lovely site of destruction and red foot prints on the carpet. I think one reason i get so upset by the mess is that M does nothing about it. I understand that they are boys and i should let them play, but he doesn’t straighten up at the end of the day. He needs to help me teach them how to clean up after themselves. Mommy does not plan on doing this when they move out.
I swear though somedays i feel like my kids do not love me very much because i feel like i am CONSTANTLY yelling. *sigh* Trials of being a mother.
I have been the primary cow in the family since my first son was born. I have nursed and pumped every day for each of my boys for a year. I am always in awe at the fact that i can provide for my children in all aspects during their first years. However, being this is the 11th month of Ian’s life, and i have been only using my pump to express my milk, this cow is sore and drying up. Yes, i know there are women out there that say that it is impossible to dry up. It is supply and demand. But i did not have a choice in this matter with Ian. I was not allowed to nurse him after he was diagnosed with the stomach condition, but i was determined that he not be given formula. So far i have been able to keep up. I am literally pumping every 2 hours all day every day and i am not getting any more out after a month of this. My boobs, let’s be honest folks, they are bruised and VERY sore. I will continue to express milk until we switch him to cow’s milk after he turns a year, just like the other boys. I am just a little worried i may not make it that far.
Today i spent the day cleaning again. I have no clue what has gotten into me lately with all of this cleaning. I have vacuumed the last three days and while i vacuum once a week normally, i have never vacuumed to this level before. I think that the lists are helping to keep me focused as well. Hopefully this continues because my house has never looked better.
In some ways though i worry that all of this cleaning is taking away from time i should be spending with the boys. Even now though at their young ages, they enjoy doing more things without me. I feel like i should be trying to do something with them a lot more than i do. I don’t want them looking back and saying mom spent a lot of time cleaning instead of playing with us.
I did work on a few things with J, such as writing letters A-M without tracing them, following instructions (and again i got some signals that he can read some words since he said the color before the shape was even colored, but the spelling of the color was in the shape) and some mazes. He needs some prompting on the writing because he will act like he has no idea what letter you are talking about, but in reality he does. He just likes to make a game of it.
D has shown a lot of interest in drawing or coloring, but he can recognize shapes, colors, all the letters and how they sound and animals, so i don’t think he is doing too badly.
Tomorrow i will finally get to get to the grocery store as we are down to our last 1/2 gallon of milk and i see coming in to work tonight that gas prices have gone up another .13 cents in the area. Great.
Today was such a gorgeous day here. If it hadn’t been for the huge clouds of pollen, i would of had my windows open for the breeze. I cannot stand cleaning pollen off everything though. I am really glad that no one around here is allergic to it, otherwise there would be misery around here. One of my neighbors is so allergic to it that her eyes swell and she looks like she went through rounds with someone.
J had a really great day at school today. The teachers were all very impressed with his communication and he made it a point to say bye to the little girl he had been playing with. It seems like ever since we had the conversation about possibly keeping him back in preschool he has really made a lot of improvement. I knew he could do it and he does show me this side of him, unfortunately he doesn’t show it to everyone else.
I can’t believe how much D has grown up. We seem to be going through a growth spurt right now and he has lost a lot of the toddler baby fat in his face and is really shooting up. I miss the baby part of him. Right now he is really trying my nerves with the every changing emotions. It is like tiptoeing through a mine field with him and there is a tantrum always just around the corner. I feel like i am negotiating with the U.N. when i try to get him to do something. He has been wanting to spend more time playing on his own either with his Leapster or something else, but i have to be in the room just not playing with him. I feel like i need to be educating him in something, but he pretty much knows the alphabet and is learning how to spell and match (in english and french) on the Leapster. Every time I try to do something with him, the world has ended.
There is a summer camp for the preschool that both J and D qualify for, so we are going to sign them up. It is for 3 hours every day for one week. It will be nice to have them out of the house. T-ball sign ups are in one week also, hopefully i can get J a spot on the team.
I have to go back to work tomorrow night and i will be in training (possibly). I cannot tell you the joy associated with this.
I have created another journal to keep track of my daily, monthly, yearly and life goals. It is still a work in progress, but it will only be for my lists and goals. I will work to keep it up to date and i am excited about it.
J went back to school yesterday after being off for Spring Break and we were both happy about that. Although he was not thrilled to see the letter “Y” worksheet ready for him to work on. He has already become so bored with these worksheets and i fear the start of Kindergarten as i know it is some of the same stuff. I try to keep it fun when we practice writing at home, using the Kumon workbooks so that he is practicing and not bored. From what i hear from others that have gone to Kindergarten there is a lot of work ahead.
Ian is walking all over the house. His favorite thing to do is get in front of the vacuum and keep looking back to make sure that it is following. If it doesn’t he will circle around a couple of times to get it back in line. He is so funny. Constantly teething though and is single handedly trying to end the drought in the area! I can’t believe he will be a year on the 21st of this month. Makes me so sad to think of all the time that has gone by.
D, this boy is full out! He is constantly in motion. He is totally in love with jumping and Ian gets places faster than he does as he is consumed by the need to jump everywhere. He is loving his big boy bed though and looks so small in it! I can’t believe he will be 3 in May.
I can’t believe how much they have all grown! I can’t believe that in a month i will be done with nursing Ian. I love doing it, but by this point i am ready to be free.
Today my sister will be here and we will be working on inventory for the store. It also means my niece will be here and she is Ian’s favorite toy!