While at the funeral service i also ran into someone who for some odd reason has the worst effect on me.
This girl and i were the closest and best of friends for years. She came to work and ride at the barn about 14 years into my being there. At that point i was doing fairly well, i was having some great rides and shows, had a great time with teaching the kids, and was doing a lot of the organization for shows and whatnot. I was loving life. This girl came in and we became great friends for years. We were closer than my sister and i were at the time.
Then however the dynamic in our relationship changed as she got the better horses to ride, our trainer deferred to her instead of me for barn matters, it seemed that everything revolved around her. I won’t say that i wasn’t jealous…i was. VERY JEALOUS! I tried to be happy for her, i mean what kind of petty person was i to feel this way towards my closest friend. I didn’t understand it though, i had spent a great part of my life riding and preparing for this time and it should of been the highlight of my showing career. She had only been riding for a couple of years before coming to the barn. I just didn’t understand what was happening and i was really starting to resent it. I know that i should of placed the majority of my discontent on my trainer and not her, but i somehow suspect that she was behind the scenes on this as well. She was very ambitious my friend and i just apparently wasn’t as cut throat as her. I mean i wasn’t looking to step on a friend to get to the top, i was getting there fine as it was, but now not so much.
I was puzzled, hurt and angry. After sometime of this and the fact that now at the barn she was being put in a more supervisory position we just never got back the friendship that we lost.
Everything this girl touches or becomes involved with turns to gold and she ALWAYS winds up on top. She practically gets everything handed to her. When she decided to leave riding as a full time thing and do something else that made some money, one of the parents of a student gave her a job as a contract editor and now she works as an investment banker for Morgan Stanley. She aces everything she does and always manages to make me feel like a step above slug. Everytime i am around her i feel like the faults and failures in my life are more obvious. I hate it and i so try to not view my life in comparison to hers, because honestly i have a great husband, wonderful kids, understanding and supportive friends and so much else that what her life is like shouldn’t matter.
But it does and it has been depressing me since i saw her at the funeral service. We are polite to each other and honestly i don’t think she even knows what happened because i am damn sure she never thinks about how her life is better than mine. Yet i seem to feel like i am in constant competition with her.
Yes i know i am not really.
But it doesn’t help that i view myself as a stupid fat slob whenever her rich glamourous well put together blonde self is around.
Not fair dammit. So not fair.