Well J had his first day of school today. It went really well. I discovered that yet again, i do not fit in with the moms. Maybe it is because the last time i fit into a pair of khakis, i was an infant. Maybe because i am not a blonde (Ok i was for a while, but the price was too much once i had to start buying diapers. Diapers or hair it was a hard choice) .

It is like being in high school all over again. I struggle to overcome the social stigma’s that i have, but yet again i am beat down by the pretty petite people. This is not said to offend my pretty friends, because you are all beautiful. And petite, yes.

I don’t fit in though with the school moms and i have no clue why. It is like the playground moms. Who knew that i would be so wildly avoided even in motherhood? I have lots of friends and lots of mommy friends, but we travel in different circles so they aren’t people that i would see at school or parks unless planned.

I will admit i am scattered and mainly this is due to, short of putting a leash on D, i can’t take my eyes off him. He will run into the street or dismantle a room faster than i can blink an eye. I try to be social. It is important for my kids to see me like this and to not pick up on my shyness. I see lots of me in J though, but he makes friends fairly easy aside from his shyness.

I feel like i am pulled in different directions. The need to fit in with the seeming “in crowd” of mommies and the real fact that i just don’t care about fitting in. I feel judged every time i go to a park or school function. I feel that this isn’t fair to judge me on the outward appearance. There is so much these mothers don’t know.

Yet i am doing the same. Judging them based on their perky thinness and popularity. I feel like i should where a badge that reads:

“I am not unfriendly just tired. Overlook the mismatched, generic clothes and get to know me for who i am.”

But i shouldn’t care and i shouldn’t teach my sons that they should care about fitting in. I can’t help it though and i can’t help bu feel left out at times.

What am i being left out of though?


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