M asked me today if we were done having children. He is ready to be done. Mostly because the pregnancies are so difficult on me. I am just not to the point that i am ready to make it a permanent reality that we are done. I haven’t gotten there emotionally yet. I know that i need to be really ok with it before going to get my tubes done. I don’t want to be resentful of him or feel like he pushed for it. I know that he is happy with our three boys. I am happy with them, but i never realized how much i would enjoy having kids and having babies around.
I never grew up with a ton of family or kids around. It is like my family doesn’t know how to be a family. I never thought that i wanted to get married or have kids. In fact I grew up saying that. But as i got older and met M i realized that it wasn’t that i didn’t want this i just didn’t know what it was like. My dad was a single parent once my mother died and he spent a lot of time just working. We didn’t go on family trips or visit any family that lived outside of the state. I have family that live here and for a while when i was in my teens we would get together on Sundays and have dinner. For some reason that just stopped. It was like it was too much effort for everyone. Even now that i have kids, my family is so busy that they rarely visit and they live fairly close. This makes me sad, but i realize that this is all my dad knew growing up and he doesn’t know how to enjoy really his family’s company. It is important to me that my kids don’t grow up like this.
Also i love having babies around. I will miss being pregnant and knowing that there will be a new baby coming into the house. I love spending time with my boys and watching them learn and go through different phases in their life. I miss how they were as babies and each stage that they go through I am sad and happy at the same time. I know that they are still young with the oldest not even 4 yet, but still i get really sad when i think about not having anymore. Don’t get me wrong i am not aiming to have 16+ kids. I am not planning on having kids past 35 which is in 3 years. I just want to make sure before i make this a permanent thing.