Archive | May 2007

Shamelessly showing off

Here are some updated pictures of Ian. He is now almost 5 weeks old, 10lb 8oz and 22.5 inches long. He is very easy going baby. He was diagnosed with reflux just like the other two, but fortunately was diagnosed during the last hospital stay and we were able to start him on medicine.



This entry was posted on May 26, 2007. 1 Comment

So fast


This is my oldest son and i look at him now and he is really growing up so fast. In a lot of ways it takes an addition to the family to see the changes in the other children that are there. You see your children everyday and sometimes you don’t notice that their face is losing the baby roundness or that they can do so many new things that you don’t remember them doing the day before.

It sometimes takes a brief absence from home and your family to see that your loved ones are taking that next step towards being adults. It makes me happy and sad all at the same time. I miss certain phases of their lives that i know i won’t get to relive with them. There are all those “first” moments that I was fortunate enough to witness and moments where they learned how to do something finally that i got to be a part of.

Now my oldest has just completed his first year of preschool (we enrolled him at three to help with socialization and speech) and i already feel old. I feel that he has changed in so many ways in the last year into a very serious little boy. I hope that the anger and aggression that he seems to be feeling right now, since bringing the baby home passes and he once again obtains the sweet attitude that he had before. I worry that he will never go back to being nice and will grow up angry at things and that i could of done something to stop it. I don’t know what to do differently other then to love him and provide for the same stability that he has come to rely on from us.

He has really enjoyed school and he has come out of his shell in events that involve groups of people. Before he had many issues with being around others and noise and it caused him no end of stress, but school as completely changed that about him. He has learned to handle himself around others and while he will always maintain some degree of shyness with strangers (which i think is healthy) he will not be uncomfortable to the point that he is stressed out.


Not to be left behind, D is hot on heels in terms of learning and is determined to do everything that his big brother does. He didn’t have the same social issues that J had and is so mobile that i believe he will be skateboarding off the roof at some point. D is my rebel and extreme sports fanatic. He loves anything that involves crashing, racing and going fast. He will be two this thursday and can already skateboard, ride a scooter and a bike. He is always right in the thick of games when the older boys are playing trying to get a shot or tackle someone. He too is growing too fast for me and it makes me sad.

Some days i miss the baby phase in each of them and i relish in the boys that they are becoming.

What gives?”

Now how is it that i can give birth to a good size baby and go through a week of being hooked to an I.V. not allowed to eat anything, yet i still only weigh 20lbs less than when I was 9 months pregnant? This is completely not fair. Isn’t nursing supposed to help with the weight loss. Now i have nursed all of my boys for a year each and i didn’t eat more than i did before and yet i cannot seem to lose weight. I am not sure that this is fair in the scheme of things.

I can’t seem to get a grasp on it either. I don’t spend much time sitting during the day even though i am nursing. I am constantly lifting, bending, running and rushing around all day long and my day starts early and ends late. I know that sometimes sleep can be a factor in weightloss, but i have spent most of my life not getting more than 5 hours of sleep. As a child and teen i was heavily involved in horses and showing and spent 12 hours or more the barn training and breaking horses or travelling to shows. This continued into my 20’s when i got married and then i was working nights where i am now and then i started having kids. So really i have been busy my whole life.

So what gives? Why is my body holding onto this weight? Has it been given some insight as to a famine in the future


All families seem to have some sort of a family tradition. I am hoping that our family can create some that our boys grow up continuing. I also would like to start traditions that i never got to be a part of as a child. There are things that i wanted to do with my dad and sister when i was younger, but while dad was able to provide us with whatever we wanted that he could buy, dad had a hard time with the emotional part. He didn’t know how to provide what we needed in that department as well as the reality that we needed to spend time with other family members and learn more about what this family was about. We needed to learn to be comfortable as who were are and where this all came from.

I want my boys to grow up surrounded by family and friends and doing things with everyone. Learning from other people in the family, creating memories with the family. We already have a pretty popular house in terms of the neighborhood and all the kids. We seem to attract a lot of age groups and everyone plays together with the boys and also is very respectful of their age and their limits. It has made a tremendous impression on me that i missed out on this when i was younger. I spent a lot of time in front of the tv instead of outside playing.

So i informed M that i wanted to start some traditions with the boys. Like picking your own pumpkins at a pumpkin patch where they can go on a hay ride and maybe there is a maze or a harvest festival as well. I want to go as a family to pick out our christmas trees (we normally have four trees up, two real and two fake) and our ornaments. Every year we all get an individual ornament and then a family one. Normally i pick this out myself, something about men and Hallmark not mixing. There are a lot of things i want us to do as a family. We have started having a 4th of July party every year and i want to have a holiday party.

So M and I talked about this alot today and he really wants to have traditions, but he also was expressing his interest at being done having babies.


Are we do yet?

M asked me today if we were done having children. He is ready to be done. Mostly because the pregnancies are so difficult on me. I am just not to the point that i am ready to make it a permanent reality that we are done. I haven’t gotten there emotionally yet. I know that i need to be really ok with it before going to get my tubes done. I don’t want to be resentful of him or feel like he pushed for it. I know that he is happy with our three boys. I am happy with them, but i never realized how much i would enjoy having kids and having babies around.

I never grew up with a ton of family or kids around. It is like my family doesn’t know how to be a family. I never thought that i wanted to get married or have kids. In fact I grew up saying that. But as i got older and met M i realized that it wasn’t that i didn’t want this i just didn’t know what it was like.  My dad was a single parent once my mother died and he spent a lot of time just working. We didn’t go on family trips or visit any family that lived outside of the state. I have family that live here and for a while when i was in my teens we would get together on Sundays and have dinner. For some reason that just stopped. It was like it was too much effort for everyone. Even now that i have kids, my family is so busy that they rarely visit and they live fairly close. This makes me sad, but i realize that this is all my dad knew growing up and he doesn’t know how to enjoy really his family’s company. It is important to me that my kids don’t grow up like this.

Also i love having babies around. I will miss being pregnant and knowing that there will be a new baby coming into the house. I love spending time with my boys and watching them learn and go through different phases in their life. I miss how they were as babies and each stage that they go through I am sad and happy at the same time. I know that they are still young with the oldest not even 4 yet, but still i get really sad when i think about not having anymore. Don’t get me wrong i am not aiming to have 16+ kids. I am not planning on having kids past 35 which is in 3 years. I just want to make sure before i make this a permanent thing.

Things are settling into a routine here. The boys are still not happy with the new addition and i know that while M has really stepped up and helped out with them, that they miss the individual time they used to have with mom. I do try to involve Ian with many of our daily routines so that they get used to having him and me around, but there are still many times when i am nursing Ian and the boys want some attention as well. I am pumping a lot to keep this nursing time to a minimum and to when M is home to help out, but there are times that i don’t have the milk stored to do this. J is used to me nursing having gone through it with D, but D is not and is not adapting to the lack of individual time with me. I am working on it though.

I am struggling with my hormones and emotions which is really making J and D’s outbursts difficult to handle without my slightly losing it. I don’t want them to feel like i am just constantly punishing them with timeouts, but they are pushing the boundaries with me and it is hard to handle them without a timeout or something more stern. I don’t want them to resent Ian and feel like since he has come home all they get is punished. Hard to do when they are making life a little bit worse.

We are going through a little bit of an issue with J, since he is still not up to his level of development in speech and is really having issues expressing his emotions. I am not sure how to help him with this expression and right now he is harboring a lot of anger that he doesn’t know how to express. His preschool teacher has mentioned this as well. She helps him with a lot of individual attention at school, but he is missing the attention i used to give him working with him at home. Major guilt there. Also D is on track with speech, but he is needing attention focusing on given tasks. He is a bit all over the place. I am trying to get it sorted out to give them what they need.

I think i may need to be cloned.

I am looking to get another speech therapist for J, this will be our 4th attempt. It is hard to find a good therapist in this area. Those that are available he is either not insync with or they are treating him like he is below the level he is at and not giving him what he needs. I am not trying to be picky, but i want to make sure that he learns from them and learns to speak, but with all of them he speaks less and just does the tasks he needs to do to get through the session. I have watched him at school and he is really flourishing with his teacher and her aid there, so i know it can be achieved, it is difficult to expect them to give so much time to my child though. Plus next year he was accepted into a preschool program closer to home and will be in a different program. we are so fortunate that he embraced the school he is in and has grown to be such a different child and now we are moving him to the next level with the preschool he was accepted into. The director and the teachers all have training in speech therapy and development. The classes are small and it is 5 minutes away cutting down on the 30 minute, one way commute each day. Plus it is much cheaper and they also have a 3 year program that D can now be enrolled in in a year which will really help him out. D needs help staying focused on tasks. I know he is not even two, but he is a bit all over the place. I just want to make sure that he works on figuring things out more so than how fast he can ride a scooter down the hill. He is my dare devil.

This entry was posted on May 19, 2007. 1 Comment


It has been a wild ride these past few weeks. With the addition of Ian to the house, life has not been easy!

After 4 days in the hospital, we came home and the reception was not welcoming. My two boys were very unhappy. J wouldn’t even enter the house if he knew the baby was in there. D just screams constantly whenever he is in the same area as Ian. Then less than a week after getting home, J and D came down with the stomach virus going around. I was keeping Ian in the office and changing clothes and washing before entering and when leaving the room to keep him from getting sick. After a week and a half of seeming to fight with J and D constantly and finally getting over all the throwing up, i had to take Ian to the emergency room as he couldn’t keep any of the milk down. He was admitted to the hospital on Tuesday (really it was 5am wednesday morning, as we spent 10 hours in the E.R. ) and he stayed there on I.V. for another day, then the day he got the I.V out and was able to keep milk down, he developed white blisters on his abdomen. Unsure of what this could be, the doctors kept him admitted until the cultures came back, 48 hours later. That same day (thursday), i was rushed out of Ian’s room to the E. R. having an attack. I thought it was a heart attack, but was later informed that it was a gall bladder attack combined with an inflamed pancreas. I was admitted to the hospital as well and was lucky enough to convince them to let me room with Ian on the peds floor. I wasn’t allowed anything to eat or drink until my pancreas calmed down and had my gall bladder removed on sunday, Mother’s day. Ian was discharged on Mother’s Day and i was kept until Monday night as when they removed my gall bladder it reopened my C-Section incision so i am healing all over again. My incision is bigger due to the dr removing a tumor from one of my fallopian tubes and some excess skin from my abdomen.

So i am home, healing, and we are trying hard to get some form of a routine together. Ian is a very pleasant baby. He has red hair and has grown 3″ and gained 3lbs in a week and a half. I am finally completely back to nursing after having to dump my milk for 2 days which seems like such a waste!

This entry was posted on May 18, 2007. 2 Comments