Pity party has ended

Yes the whining about she is so much better than me has ended. I am still struggling to get rid of these feelings and hopefully i can shake this off. Thankfully she lives somewhere else, but when i start riding again i will run into her. Because yes even though she works full time as something else she still gets what ever horses she wants in terms of riding, everyone is always willing to throw great rides at her no matter how long she has been away.

Ok yes i am done.

I am however reminded that i had goals for myself that i had amended to include my kids and in looking at them i don’t see a lot of progress on this.

The problem is i am letting myself get lulled by the familiarity of every day life. I am not taking steps to empower myself to move forward towards my goals. My goals are not any farther away than they were, more like i am just running parallel with them.

Some of my life goals:

* Become an active member of GFWC

*  Actively work to make my business a success

* Have my business become my main source of income so that i can work from home

* keep my body fit and toned (i am so far from this goal i could cry)

* Endeavor to grow intellectually each year by taking a course in something new

* Keep writing in my journals

* Become a member of the Olympic Dressage Team (the year on this keeps changing)

* Continue to keep in touch and stay a part of my family and friends lives (i tend to fall into that rut

and not communicate for a while)

I know there are more and that these don’t seem like much but they are my goals. I feel like i need to work towards them in a little bit each day. I need to get myself fit, not just for my own personal benefit, but for my family’s as well. I want to become a stronger more focused person.

Now to get out of the daily grind of housework and diapers. I can do both i just need to make it a point to pursue my goals and not just glance at them in passing with a wistful sigh.

Not right

While at the funeral service i also ran into someone who for some odd reason has the worst effect on me.

This girl and i were the closest and best of friends for years. She came to work and ride at the barn about 14 years into my being there. At that point i was doing fairly well, i was having some great rides and shows, had a great time with teaching the kids, and was doing a lot of the organization for shows and whatnot. I was loving life. This girl came in and we became great friends for years. We were closer than my sister and i were at the time.

Then however the dynamic in our relationship changed as she got the better horses to ride, our trainer deferred to her instead of me for barn matters, it seemed that everything revolved around her. I won’t say that i wasn’t jealous…i was. VERY JEALOUS! I tried to be happy for her, i mean what kind of petty person was i to feel this way towards my closest friend. I didn’t understand it though, i had spent a great part of my life riding and preparing for this time and it should of been the highlight of my showing career. She had only been riding for a couple of years before coming to the barn. I just didn’t understand what was happening and i was really starting to resent it. I know that i should of placed the majority of my discontent on my trainer and not her, but i somehow suspect that she was behind the scenes on this as well. She was very ambitious my friend and i just apparently wasn’t as cut throat as her. I mean i wasn’t looking to step on a friend to get to the top, i was getting there fine as it was, but now not so much.

I was puzzled, hurt and angry. After sometime of this and the fact that now at the barn she was being put in a more supervisory position we just never got back the friendship that we lost.

Everything this girl touches or becomes involved with turns to gold and she ALWAYS winds up on top. She practically gets everything handed to her. When she decided to leave riding as a full time thing and do something else that made some money, one of the parents of a student gave her a job as a contract editor and now she works as an investment banker for Morgan Stanley. She aces everything she does and always manages to make me feel like a step above slug. Everytime i am around her i feel like the faults and failures in my life are more obvious. I hate it and i so try to not view my life in comparison to hers, because honestly i have a great husband, wonderful kids, understanding and supportive friends and so much else that what her life is like shouldn’t matter.

But it does and it has been depressing me since i saw her at the funeral service. We are polite to each other and honestly i don’t think she even knows what happened because i am damn sure she never thinks about how her life is better than mine. Yet i seem to feel like i am in constant competition with her.

Yes i know i am not really.

But it doesn’t help that i view myself as a stupid fat slob whenever her rich glamourous well put together blonde self is around.

Not fair dammit. So not fair.

Funeral Reunions

Seems like a weird title, but that is what yesterday was.  I went a funeral for a dear friend who had passed on, he had lived a long life and was the husband of the owner of my barn. His family has been a great part of my life since i was 8 and moved to NC and started riding horses. I will always value my time with him and he was such a generous person.

Since leaving the barn (such a story for another day), I haven’t had a lot of contact with anyone from there. Most of the kids and parents that were such a part of my life there had for the most part moved on in life and there was really very little apart from the owners, that kept me there. I loved the barn and if they hadn’t moved to a new location i probably would still be tempted going to the barn instead of what i do now. It was an unhealthy relationship in the end though with my trainer and i (no not sexual, minds out of the gutter people, really) and i needed to leave as i am not perpetually 12.

I took the boys to the service (which was held at a church) and my sister and niece came along as well, since my sister rode there as well for several years. It was a lovely service and all 6 of their children were there. People i had grown up with over the years. However, none of them really remembered me and i found that to be really sad. They played a huge role in my life and influenced me greatly and just being away for four years has somehow erased me from their memories. Ok not that a funeral was a place to reminisce.

However, i wound up running into most of the kids and their parents that i spent years with. Kids that were now adults with their own careers or in college and their parents. People that i have kept in touch with in some aspects, but have basically just gone on to live their lives. I can tell you that I did love seeing them and i loved re-connecting with them.

It did help finally bring something to light though. I have really been missing the barn and riding and hanging out and whatnot. Missing it to the point that it is a nagging ache in the pit of my stomach. Seeing everyone though and how they have gotten older made me realize that the times i am missing are no longer there.  If i went back to riding at the new barn it wouldn’t be the same. The kids there now are not the ones that came from middle class families, with great work ethics and minds like sponges that were just willing to do everything involved with horses, not just the riding. The kids there now are rich and spoiled and don’t do hardly any work at all, they can’t even spare time to attend a funeral for someone that is in large the backbone of that family that runs the farm. I am not saying that they are bad kids, but they aren’t the kids that i want to hang out with or even ride with. I realized that the barn i wanted to be a part of didn’t exist with the family that i know and love. They have had to adapt with the times to make money and in some ways have had to change some of the things about the barn that i loved the most.  That made me sad. I think that these new kids are missing out on a very rich and rewarding experience that has made all of the kids i taught well rounded adults.

Nothing can replace the memories of the barn that i used to ride with and the kids that i used to hang out with, teach and show with, but at least now i know that I am not missing out now by not being a part of the new barn.

Me…

I have been absent here lately and i am sure that is really just a blant duh on the obvious. It isn’t that i don’t want to post, but sometimes i get the feeling i am talking into a mike to an empty room. Then i took some time to think on why i am writing in this journal. Is it for other people to read? No not really. I know publishing it on the web means other people will read it, i am not ignorant of that fact. I am just not writing it to please other people and i think that is why i have gaps in my posting. Writing this journal for others makes you feel like you have to act a certain way or say things a certain way instead of really coming across as yourself. Hello! As the person who is writing the posts in the journal…a journal you are keeping for yourself.

I think it is great that my friends can read this journal and keep up with what is going on in my life without having to take time out of their day to e-mail me. Although i would totally love it if they did (and more often *cough* *cough*). So from here out this journal is going to be me. The real me. The me that all of you who i know, know. The good, the bad puns and language and all. The inappropriate comments, because i honestly do not know how to censor my mouth or thoughts.

At least you all have been warned.